Just Because

Just because you don't want me in the same way I want you doesn't mean there is something fundamentally wrong with me. So why do I feel like there is?

I gave you everything I had, nothing was held back. You knew every corner of my soul, and then you didn't want it. Why?

I know there's nothing wrong with me. Or at least, I think I do. I'm OK with who I am. Why aren't you?

And through all of this, why can't I convince myself that you're not the one for me? That you and me would never work like I once dreamed it would, that we can still be friends despite all the emotions that lie just beneath my surface?

It will be a long, rough path, but you'll see. Soon enough I'll be back on my feet, strong and proud of who I am.

It will just take some time.

I'm Here!

I'm back, after two days of driving, multiple bathroom stops (after which my grandma felt she needed to inform us of certain details that I did not need to be informed of. ever.), and a lot of moving boxes around. I'm moved in and mostly settled. It's been good to see everyone, even though not everyone's here yet. But I'm looking forward to seeing them, too!

Do you have that friend who you love, but can't be around for more than maybe an hour or two? Then you spend a whole day with them, listening to them whine and ask you to do things which you'll do because you're too nice to say no, but not nice enough to avoid ranting about it on your blog later? And you know that she says she'll do something to repay you, but she's been saying this for the two years you've known her and she has yet to really come through on that? Yeah, that's been my last day and a half.

I think that's about it. I just wanted to let my readers know I arrived safely in my second home.

Zero (or, technically, .5ish)

The time has almost come. In a few short hours, I'll be leaving once again for another year of crazy adventures, studying, and the company of great minds and hearts. But we never truly stop learning, and let it be known that just because I haven't been sitting in a classroom these past three months, I learned plenty.

I learned that even if you don't reach a goal you've set, you still benefit from the process of reaching for it. I had a goal to lose 20 pounds this summer, and I didn't quite make it, mostly because I love food too much. But even though I didn't lose exactly 20 pounds, I still came pretty darn close, and that alone should make me proud of myself. I learned some self-discipline (there were some days where it was VERY difficult to get up and go run), and even though I didn't drop sizes on my clothing, I feel that much better about myself, because I made some progress, and that's better than none.

I got to spend time taking care of some wonderful (and some not so wonderful) kids this summer, and they really opened my eyes. It's been a while since I spent time with anyone that young, and they taught me the importance of being young and innocent again, and that yelling and being stern isn't always the best way to get someone (especially someone that young) to go along with you or listen to you. Sometimes simple reason is all someone needs, or you need to come up with a compromise.

I'm sure there was more that I learned this summer, but I'm far too excited to focus on it right now. Seward, I will see you in a day and a half.

One

Maybe this is a trait unique to me, brought on by years of reading fantasy novels when I was younger. And the ones I read now. And the ones I will continue to read as I progress in years. Regardless, reading these stories makes me want to be a hero. Accepting the call to adventure, feeling the freedom and independence and responsibility of the journey of a hero.

As someone who enjoys writing (but doesn't do it nearly as often as he should), I find literary techniques to be rather interesting, especially when they combine with the idea of the Hero. At this crossroads we find the template of the Heroic Journey.

Without going into too much detail, the story of the Hero has a few basic steps. There's Departure, in which the Hero is assigned his (or her) task and, well, departs. There's usually some hesitation, but by the end of this first part, the Hero is on his (or her) way to being just that, a Hero.

The second step is Initiation. Initiation of the journey, and initiation into the world. The Hero-to-be realizes that things are not plain and simple as they were when they were young. The world is full of both good and evil, power and weakness, and the Hero realizes this and learns exactly what it is they need to do to be successful.

Finally, the Return. This is the ending, the denouement. The Hero's journey is through, the bad guy defeated. Sometimes the Hero is glad to return, for things to be the way they were before. Other times they fight it. After having drunk of this power, this freedom, why would they leave it behind?

The part that really gets me thinking, is how can this be shown in my own real life? I'm not a character in a book, after all. I don't get tasked with a divine mission of taking out the ultimate evil and saving the world, the Hero's Journey can't possibly apply to me in such depth, can it? Well, maybe not exactly, but in a metaphorical sense, the Hero's Journey plays itself out many times throughout life. College, for example. Many people are scared and nervous when they get ready to head off (Departure). Yet after all the experiences and excitement (Initiation), they are sometimes reluctant to come back and go back to living in their parents' house for the summer, working a summer job (Return).

That's just one example. How are you a Hero?

(Note: This was my main source in the parts of the Hero's Journey. It's an interesting read, in my opinion.)

Two

I'm beginning to think I numbered these wrong, or that I missed a number somewhere along the way. But that's not important right now.

I'm thankful that, despite all the work that went into it, I got to see so many of my family members today in a huge get-together before I head back off to college. As much fun as it was, that's not what's on my mind right now, either.

What I'm thinking, right now, is of one of the wonderful role models in my life. A fellow blogger, she has inspired me to keep a (somewhat) daily log of what I think and feel. By opening up and sharing a bit of herself every day, I like to think I'm doing the same thing. Maybe I'm not quite as good at it as she is, but then again, she's a little bit older and infinitely wiser than I am. She's not afraid of showing that she, like everyone else, is imperfect and vulnerable.

She sets great examples for me and everyone else in her faith, her 'can do' (and canning) attitudes, and in her writing. I could go on and on about how inspiring she has been to me this summer, and how much I look forward to reading her work every day, but I don't want to seem like I'm brown nosing, here.

All I will say is that I'm both excited and honored to be a student of Lisa Smith both in the past and this coming semester, and that whether or not she reads this, she has been one of the greatest recent influences in my life.

Three

I'm tired and really don't have much to say today. Instead, here's some videos for you to enjoy.

You can ignore the video on that last one. I just like the audio ("Ireland's Call" by Celtic Thunder). It's a pretty epic song, in my opinion.

Four

I wish I could live in a castle. Not one of those big houses that you think is a castle when you're a kid, just because it has two stories and a pool in the backyard. No, I wish I had a castle like the kind you dreamed about as a kid, with turrets and a moat and a giant banquet room where you could entertain all your friends and family. Hidden away in a forest, your own little slice of heaven.

Castles are cool. That's basically what this is saying. The soaring arches, the secret passageways, everything about castles just appeals to the imagination. Well, that's my opinion on it, anyway.

Five

Today was (mostly) the kind of day summers are supposed to be about. I spent time with friends (and my goddaughter) playing video games and just hanging out, and I got texts all day from several different friends of mine (none of which I initiated, by the way). I'm choosing to block out the four hours I had to spend at a museum waiting for my sister to receive a scholarship during a ceremony where they only had crappy food.

So maybe it sounds like I'm getting overly excited about some little things, but isn't that what life's all about? You can't win the lottery or get married every day (well, you could, but it seems unlikely), so it's important to find the little things to take joy in. The little messages from friends, the time you get to spend with those dear to you.

"Cherish this moment, for happiness is elusive..."

Six

I need to work on my bucket list. Not because I'm planning on dying anytime soon, but the sooner I make a bucket list, the sooner I can start working on it. This means that I have a better chance of accomplishing everything on it prior to dying. Let's start, shall we?

-Finish a novel

-Hug a panda

-Play the role of 'Dr. Horrible;' on stage (or on screen, I'm not picky)

-Call someone a 'soulless harpy' (and mean it)

-Be considered an expert of something

-Go to Europe (specifically Ireland)

-Have a job where it's acceptable to wear tshirts, jeans, and converse every day to work (though obviously not the same tshirt and jeans every day, that's gross)

-Be quoted

-Be in Seward for the Fourth of July celebration

-Be in a legit barbershop quartet

And that's all I can think of for now. It's a start, though!

Seven

As much as I love traveling, I hate packing. Trying to condense your life into a set space isn't easy. There's things you want to take with you but you run out of room for, things you forget that you want to take with you until you get to your destination some miles away and remember, and things that you have no desire to take with you, but you know that they'll be useful and necessary.

So I guess that's my little discourse on packing. Not the longest or most exciting of my posts, I know. But at least now I'm caught up on my numbers!

Eight (also late)

Do you have that one pair of jeans (or sweatpants, or a tshirt, or whatever) that is just perfect? Not too tight, not too lose, it's got just the right amount of pockets, and it fits you like the clothing designer read your mind, found the perfect article of clothing, and made it exactly for your specifications?

Have you ever tried to replace that item?

It's darn near impossible. I have a pair of jeans that is beautiful, perfect in every way. I didn't pay an exorbitant amount for them, and they just work. But now they're getting close to the end. The hems are getting frayed from where I've accidentally tread on them, the knees are wearing thin. Yet I'm going to keep wearing these jeans as long as I possibly can. They fit right, they work, they make me happy (or at least as happy as a pair of jeans can make someone).

Nine (Late)

Alternatively titled: Everything gets better when everyone's hammered.

We had a family dinner last night. Within ten minutes, it was on the slippery slopes to one of the worst family get-togethers in history. Fortunately, my mom had the idea to pull out a giant bottle of wine and poured some for all the adults. Things got better after that.

That's the short version. The long version involves my grandmother (who I do love very dearly) just generally not being happy about anything since my grandfather died, and my uncle voicing this loud enought for her to hear from the kitchen. Then she started muttering about how he could go to hell and she walked off to be on the computer for a while (but she only ever plays games on it. Not, like, Modern Warfare or World of Warcraft, but the easy online games from a website called pogo. It's what people who stay at home all day and don't have to take care of children or work do for fun). My sister, her friend, my cousins, and I all just kinda sat there awkwardly, unsure of what to do.

Then my mom broke out the wine, and life was good again. I was in charge of the french fries, and since all I'd had to eat that day was a salad, and it was hot, and I was moving around, and apparently I'm kind of a lightweight when it comes to alcohol, it made for an interesting experience.

For the record, since my mom gave it to me, it's cool that I was drinking, even though I'm only 20.

I do love my family, but we have our problems and our bad days just like everyone else. Um, I think that's it. Now I need to come up with a topic for Eight...

Ten

"If you're going through hell, keep going." -Winston Churchill

For those of you who live down in this direction, you know what the weather's been like. For those of you who don't, let me just say that temperatures above 100 degrees are no longer surprising. You step out the door and the heat rolls over you like a steamroller. The sun, relentless, sucks the energy out of you, draining you, until it's all you can do to drag yourself inside and flop down on the nearest piece of furniture, ready to sleep for the next three days, yet knowing that you have to be ready to go back out there tomorrow.

While this likely isn't the type of hell Mr. Churchill had in mind, it's certainly my idea of it. Those of you who know me know that I way prefer cold weather to hot. You can always put on another layer, but you can only take so much off before you upset people. Plus cold weather gives you an excuse to fire up the oven and bake, or make hot chocolate, or curl up under a blanket and read or watch a movie.

There are many other types of hell, sure. Feeling separated from those you hold dearest to you. That something (or someone) you want more than anything else being just out of reach, and knowing that you'll never get it. Or (fill in the blank). But as Mr. Churchill said, keep going. You'll find yourself on the right side of the situation soon enough, and you'll be that much stronger because of it.

Eleven

Today was my last day of work. It was kind of bittersweet. Some of those kids were great (even if they were kind of obnoxious at times), and I'm really going to miss them. Others, well, I may have smiled a little broader than usual when I bade them farewell. Today may have been crazy, and chaotic, and a little miserable at times, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Not the hugs goodbye I got from the kids, or the time I got to spend with them at the park today, or even the 8 times one little girl tried to escape this morning. (She was determined to escape and run home, and at one point she almost succeeded.) But I wouldn't change this experience for anything. I've learned that no single person, regardless of how patient they might think they are, can supervise 20 kids by themselves and avoid yelling. I've learned that kids can be the biggest trouble, but also bring the greatest reward.

Twelve

Those of you who know me know that I have a propensity to plan ahead. Well, sometimes. If it's something I'm excited about, I plan WAY ahead. If it's just something I have to do, it generally slips through the cracks. This is why I can tell you what I'm doing for my birthday (October), or my costume plans for Halloween, or how I'm getting home for Christmas break, or that there's a Renaissance Fair in April that I'd love to go to. Yet I can't tell you important things, like where all my classes this semester are going to be. It's just another little quirk of mine, I suppose.

Thirteen

Dear people who have facebooks:

Don't make your profile picture one of you kissing your significant other. You can make it a cutesy shot all you want, fine. But when the rest of the internet has to see you swapping spit with your honey every time they want to talk to you, they may not want to talk to you anymore. I'm happy you guys love each other, good for you, really! But seriously. Kissing is gross.

Fourteen

I made a packing list today. I'm sure I left something off, as I always do when I'm getting ready to go somewhere. It's usually something small, yet important. I've left my pillow before, my wallet (we had to go back and get that one, oops), it's always something you take for granted as having, until you don't have it.

I guess that could be said about a lot of things, though.

Fifteen

In order to get back into the swing of doing something productive on a daily basis, I'm gonna start counting down the days until I once again return to Seward. Fifteen days from now I'll be in the van, packed to the brim with stuff I need and stuff I don't. I'll watch the miles roll past (or, more likely, I'll be watching the inside of my eyelids) and get more excited with each passing minute.

Let the countdown begin, the return is coming soon.